The Onion

God Wonders What Happens To Humans After They Die (headline and article)

Everyone In Bustling Chinese Parade Attempting To Elude Pursuers (headline and article)

Brief Moment Of Lucidity Called Panic Attack (headline)

BREAKING: Imperial Inspector To Arrive By Railcar This Very Afternoon (headline and article)

Parents Urge Son To Invest In Improv Comedy Education (headline and article)

12-Year-Old Couldn't Begin To Guess Name Of Friend Whose House He Visits To Play Xbox (headline)

Yosemite Or Yellowstone: Which Name Is Technically 'Correct'? (headline)

Modern Science Still Only Able To Predict One Upcoming Tetris Block (headline)

Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn't Be That Hard To Rob (headline)

Area Man Coasting By On Good Looks, Work Ethic, In-Depth Knowledge Of Virginia Real Estate Law (headline and article)

Fourth Grader Drawing Big Blank On Which Year 9/11 Terror Attacks Occurred (headline)

Manic Researchers Announce They Are Hours Away From Cure For Depression (headline and article)

Neighborhood Has Gotten A Lot Safer Since Mayor Vanquished Fire Troll (headline)

Report: Today The Day They Find Out You're A Fraud (headline)

Man On Vacation Suddenly Realizes No One Feeding His Hostages (headline)

Area Grandma Enjoys Flourishing Correspondence With Mailer-Daemon (headline)

Increasingly Worried Man Hasn't Yet Come Across Any Guacamole In Burrito (article)

Area Child Disappointed To Learn Parents' Love Unconditional (headline)

Report: Most Americans Can't Even Name Their State's Shadow Lord (headline)

Pilot Tells Passengers He's About To Try Something (headline)

Mannequin Must Think He's Some Pretty Hot Shit (article)

Roger Goodell Fired After Another .500 Season (headline and article)

Delirious Rover Hallucinates Water On Mars (headline)

Pathetic Hands Subject To Man's Every Whim (headline)

Insane Man Gets A Little Perspective By Reminding Himself That He Is God (headline)

Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something Anti-Something Clash (headline)

The Onion Reviews 'The Hunger Games: Catching Fire' (take)

I'm Kind Of OCD About Always Serving White Customers First (headline)

Panicked Newborn Didn't Realize Breathing Would Be On Apgar Test (headline)

God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans (headline)

Guinness World Records Promotes Man Who Can Lift 27 Pounds With Tongue To Editor-In-Chief (article)

Man Points Out Town Where He Threw Up (headline)

U.S. Treasury Announces Bonus Financial Quarter Worth Double The Cash (headline)

U.S. On Verge Of Full-Scale Government Hoedown (headline)

World War II Documentary Suffused With Anti-Nazi Undertones (headline and article)

Word Search On Box Of Frosted Mini-Wheats Fucking Impossible (headline)

Study: 25-Foot-Tall Asian Women Remain Underrepresented In Media (headline)

Report: Some Shirts Good, Other Shirts Not Good (headline)

Truther Jihadist Wishes Al-Qaeda Had Committed 9/11 Attacks (headline)

ESPN.com Acquires ESPN.go.com (headline and article)

Frustrated Novelist No Good At Describing Hands (article)

Area Man Loses All Control Of Face While Thinking (headline and article)

Progressive Charter School Doesn't Have Students (headline)

Cleveland Cavaliers Draft Huge Bodybuilder With First Pick ('Look At How Massive This Dude Is,' Gushes GM) (article)

Report: Many Iraqis Still Holding Petty Grudge About U.S. Invasion (headline)

Teacher Grading Papers Next To You On Plane Not Pulling Any Punches (headline and article)

Everyone Who Started Watching 'Mad Money' In 2005 Now Billionaires (headline)

Parents Seize Creative Control Of 3rd-Grade Art Project (headline)

Manti Te'o Informed He'll Go First Overall To Nebraska Pioneers (headline and article)

Report: Majority Of Americans Now Answering To Name 'Lardface' (headline)

Roger Ebert Hails Human Existence As 'A Triumph' (headline)

Basketball Coach Sees Something In 7-Foot-3 High School Sophomore (headline and article)

God Worried He Fucked Up His Children (headline)

Battle Of Wits With Unwieldy Burrito Nears Thrilling Endgame (headline)

Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression (headline and article)

Insatiable Water Droplet Barrels Down Windowpane Consuming Everything In Its Path (headline)

Get Me To A Hospital, I Think I Just Swallowed Some Venom (article)

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies (headline and article)

'Art Imitates Life Imitates Art,' Remarks Man Trapped In Art Museum (headline)

Area Man's Knee Making Weird Sound (Listen) (headline)

Torrent Of Soap Issues From Wildly Unexpected Part Of Dispenser (headline and article)

Brady Quinn Frantically Trying To Confirm His Online Girlfriend Not A Hoax (headline)

Friend's Mom Tearing It Up On Facebook (headline)

School For The Blind Has Huge Empty Grass Field Out Front (headline)

Grandson Has Long Hair (Like a Girl—He Has Girl Hair) (headline)

Study: Everyone, Everything Linked To Paranoia (headline)

Environmental Ad Campaign Encourages Turning Shower Off After Showering (headline)

Only Name Area Man Recognizes On Ballot 'Jill Stein' (headline and article)

Fire Chief Grants Fireman 3-Day Extension On Difficult Fire (headline and article)

David Ortiz Convinced There's Something Like The 7th-Inning Stretch But For The 70th Inning (headline and article)